Counting Down creates Insomnia!

Where we live, it's now standard to take a 12-month maternity leave. Sweetpea is currently 10 months old, and I've got two months left. Everytime I think about the amount of time remaining, my stomach seizes, and I start my mantra: Got To Make the Most of Every Minute. A few days ago, it one of my best Clutz moves, I managed to stub my toe so badly I had to go to the ER to have it x-rayed. While we were there, I mentally calculated that if it took six weeks to heal, I would only have two weeks left after for our daily walks. (Luckily, it's not broken, so I should stop hobbling within a few days.)

But the sheer devastation I felt about possibly "losing" those weeks still surprised me. I've been dreading the RTW (return to work) for awhile now - how do you entrust your joyful toddler to someone else? Even someone more qualified than me? (Our newly-hired nanny for my RTW has her ECE.)

However, when I think about my career- I worked hard to get here. I also don't want to leave my occupation for too long: if I don't work enough, I have to re-license myself. And that is a Big Deal. So, in the spirit of balance, I asked my employer for a four-day workweek upon my RTW. They would not commit, and last week denied my request, despite many others having part time employment. To be fair, my employer gave me generous maternity benefits given my industry, and didn't question my taking the full year (others have taken significantly less; one person is rumoured to have taken a two week mat leave!!!)

This has really left me mentally meandering. If they won't give me what I feel works best for me, then I really need to consider other options. We want Sweetpea to have a sibling, so that is a factor - which raises its own questions: what is the best age gap? how realistic is it to try to hit the "sweetspot" to have a sibling? is it fair to move to another employer when I know that I'm going to try to have another child?

Then again, is it fair to me to wait? I didn't love what I was doing before I left, but it wouldn't be so bad to spend another year doing it. Changing to another sub-area in my field would be more interesting for me, but would require changing employers. Sigh.

I'd love to hear how other people resolved this sort of situation.